
One Woman's Experience
"It took more than 4 decades to figure out maybe something was going on"
The realisation of living with ADHD brought more than just a diagnosis—it offered a new perspective on a lifelong struggle. For years, she had felt different, never fully understanding why she found certain things so challenging, nor why she seemed to view the world through a different lens. Now, with greater clarity, she is reflecting on how ADHD has shaped her experiences, relationships, and self-perception. Her journey to understanding her neurodivergent brain is one that many women may recognise, as it reveals both the profound strengths and daunting challenges that come with living with ADHD.
Research into ADHD in women has shown that many are diagnosed later in life. Symptoms can often be masked during childhood, particularly as girls tend to display less overt hyperactivity than boys. A 2016 study by Quinn and Madhoo found that women with ADHD often develop compensatory mechanisms, which can delay diagnosis until adulthood when responsibilities intensify and coping strategies begin to break down. This woman's journey reflects a common experience among neurodivergent women: a realisation that the struggles they’ve faced for decades have a name, and that they are not alone.
Social Struggles and Feeling Like an Outsider
From an early age, the feeling of not fitting in was overwhelming. Social interactions, particularly with other girls, felt awkward and confusing. "I’ve always felt like an outsider," she admits, recalling her childhood as a tomboy who never quite mastered the social dynamics around her. This sense of being on the fringes didn’t disappear with age—it followed her into adulthood, colouring her experiences at work, in friendships, and even in her sense of identity.
Social events, particularly formal gatherings like weddings, became a source of deep anxiety. "It’s more than just discomfort," she explains. "It’s physical." The fear of saying the wrong thing, being judged or not knowing the right social cues, often left her feeling paralysed. For many women with ADHD, these situations can lead to sensory overload and a powerful sense of isolation. Women often understand that their feelings are not rational, this however is not enough to over ride the deep feeling of dread and fear. That is very real.
Another challenge has been a low tolerance for superficiality.
Dealing with superficiality has posed another challenge. "I cant handle small talk or anything that feels fake," she shares. While this desire for authenticity can create deep, meaningful connections, it also complicates her ability to navigate social norms that rely on politeness or pleasantries.
Research shows that many women with ADHD experience similar social struggles. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders found that women with ADHD are more likely to experience social anxiety and feelings of exclusion, particularly in environments that demand adherence to social norms. This can be exacerbated by rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD), a condition often linked with ADHD, where the fear of rejection leads to heightened social anxiety. Women in these studies frequently report struggling with friendships, particularly in formal or female-dominated settings, and feeling ‘different’ from those around them.
The Mask - Thriving on the Outside, Struggling on the Inside
Interestingly, in certain settings, this woman has learned to put on a strong outward-facing persona—a kind of mask she wears when needed. At work, or in situations where she needs to take charge, she is able to step into the role of leader or boss, often coping with and even thriving under enormous responsibility. Those who see her in this context would perceive her as confident and highly capable. To them, the idea that she struggles internally would be unimaginable.
Wearing this mask has its drawbacks comes at a cost. "It’s like I have two sides to my personality," she explains. This duality brings presents its own difficulties. While she can project an image of having everything under control in professional or social settings, it demands a great deal of energy. The facade she shows to others frequently conceals the reality that beneath the confident exterior lies a person struggling with self-doubt, anxiety, and a heavy mental load.
The disconnect between her public and private self leads to frequent misunderstandings. When she declines social events or avoids small talk, people might assume she’s being aloof or even snobbish. "The assumption is that I have it all together, but it’s just not true," she says. "It’s a character." Maintaining this facade for extended periods can lead to burnout, as the real person underneath feels neglected and sidelined, creating a deep sense of internal conflict. The need to withdraw is often in conflict with this social "character" creating a hidden stressor.
Research from Dr. Kathleen Nadeau, a leading expert on ADHD in women, shows that masking is a common experience among neurodivergent women. Many women with ADHD develop a “public face” to navigate work and social situations, hiding their internal struggles to meet societal expectations. A 2019 study by the ADHD Women’s Wellbeing Centre found that the energy required to maintain this facade often leads to significant emotional exhaustion, as well as feelings of isolation, as the “real” self is buried under the mask. This split between outward appearance and internal experience is one of the reasons women with ADHD are often misunderstood.
Defiance, Impulsivity, and Risk-Taking
A streak of defiance runs through her personality, one she can’t always explain. "Sometimes, I just have this urge to disrupt things, to push against what’s expected of me," she says. This defiance, coupled with impulsivity, has often led to bold decisions—quitting jobs, moving to new countries, and embracing radical life changes without fully considering the consequences.
This particular type of defiance could be linked to Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a behaviour sometimes associated with autism but increasingly recognised in ADHD as well. PDA is characterised by an extreme resistance to demands, where being told to do something triggers a deep need to resist, even when the person knows it’s in their best interest to comply. In adults, this may manifest as intentionally doing the opposite of what’s expected, or feeling an overwhelming need to rebel against authority or social norms, even in situations where compliance would be simpler.
Impulsivity is a constant battle. "I say yes to too many things, I take on more than I can handle, and then often I can’t follow through, or at least I cant follow through without personal compromise" she admits. This tendency to leap before looking is exciting, but it often leaves her feeling burnt out and overwhelmed.
Studies have shown that impulsivity and risk-taking behaviours are common among women with ADHD. According to research by Dr. Thomas Brown, women with ADHD are often driven by emotional impulsivity, where immediate emotional reactions outweigh long-term consequences. This can lead to hasty decisions, but it can also bring creativity and flexibility in problem-solving. The concept of PDA is less well known in adults, but increasing research, including a 2020 study in the *Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders*, shows that adults with PDA may struggle with authority and perceived control, exhibiting the defiant behaviours this woman describes.
Perfectionism and Burnout
Perfectionism is another hallmark of ADHD. "I’ll redo tasks over and over again, trying to reach a standard that only exists in my head, my own personal bar is unrealistically high" she says. This relentless drive for perfection can be exhausting and, more often than not, leads to burnout. The combination of over-commitment, impulsivity, and perfectionism creates a cycle that many women with ADHD will recognise—a constant push to do more, followed by an inevitable collapse when it all becomes too much, or when it is simply unachievable.
Perfectionism among women with ADHD is well-documented. Studies like those from Dr. Ellen Littman have shown that many women with ADHD strive for perfection as a way to compensate for their perceived failures or shortcomings. This perfectionism is often linked to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. While the drive to excel can lead to achievements, it often results in burnout as women push themselves to meet impossible standards. The same study highlights that this cycle of perfectionism and burnout is a key reason why many women with ADHD are diagnosed later in life, as their internal struggles are masked by their outward success.
Taking Responsibility and Sensitivity to Criticism
"I take responsibility for everything, even when it’s not my fault," she says, describing a trait common among women with ADHD. Silence can feel like punishment, and she often blames herself for situations beyond her control. This ties into what’s known as rejection sensitivity, a heightened emotional response to criticism or perceived failure. Even the smallest critique can feel deeply personal and trigger feelings of inadequacy.
Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD), a condition linked with ADHD, is frequently reported by women who experience intense emotional responses to criticism or rejection. According to Dr. William Dodson, who has studied RSD in ADHD, these emotional reactions can be so overwhelming that they lead to avoidance of situations where criticism or rejection might occur. Women with ADHD are more likely to internalise these feelings, blaming themselves for things that are beyond their control, which exacerbates feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
Over Sharing and People-Pleasing
Oversharing in social situations has been a challenge. "I tend to be too open, too honest, and it catches people off guard," she explains. This need to be authentic often leads to discomfort, both for herself and others. Alongside this is a deep tendency to people-please. Constantly seeking validation and approval from others, she often prioritises their needs over her own, a behaviour that can come at a personal cost.
Research suggests that women with ADHD are more prone to people-pleasing and oversharing as part of a broader need for external validation. Studies by Sari Solden, an expert on ADHD in women, highlight how the desire to fit in and be accepted can lead to oversharing or excessive honesty, as many women with ADHD struggle to regulate social boundaries. This behaviour is often driven by low self-esteem and a deep need for reassurance from others.
Difficulty Organising and Task-Switching
One of the biggest struggles of living with ADHD is staying organised. "My brain feels chaotic, and I rely on endless lists just to make sense of it all," she says. Even with these lists, however, following through can feel overwhelming. Task-switching is another challenge—starting one task, then jumping to another before the first is finished. This can lead to a growing pile of incomplete projects and a mounting sense of frustration.
The difficulties with executive function—organising, planning, and completing tasks—are well known in ADHD research. According to Dr. Russell Barkley, people with ADHD often struggle with what is called "executive dysfunction," where the brain has difficulty managing time, organising tasks, and seeing projects through to completion. For many women, this leads to frustration and self-blame, as the external chaos mirrors the internal disorganisation they feel daily.
Hyper focus and Procrastination
On the flip side of task-switching is hyperfocus, a state where the brain becomes so absorbed in a task that everything else fades away. "When I’m really engaged, I lose all track of time," she explains. This intense focus can be highly productive in areas of interest, but it can also be destructive when other important responsibilities are neglected.Procrastination is the other side of the coin. Despite knowing what needs to be done, starting a task can feel impossible. "It’s like I’m paralysed, even though I know exactly what I should be doing."
Hyperfocus and procrastination are two sides of the same coin for many women with ADHD. Research published in *Cognitive Neuroscience* shows that while ADHD can cause difficulties with attention, it can also lead to periods of hyperfocus, where the brain locks onto a task for hours. This hyperfocus is often driven by interest or emotional engagement but can cause individuals to neglect other responsibilities. On the flip side, procrastination occurs when tasks feel overwhelming, leading to a cycle of avoidance and stress. This combination of hyperfocus and procrastination is a common experience in ADHD, as the brain swings between extremes of attention.
Feeling Inadequate and Struggling with Low Self-Worth
Despite her many achievements, self-esteem remains a constant struggle. "No matter what I accomplish, it never feels like enough," she admits. This feeling of inadequacy is common among neurodivergent women, as they often hold themselves to impossibly high standards, feeling as though they are constantly falling short.
Research consistently shows that low self-esteem is a major issue for women with ADHD. According to studies in the *Journal of Psychiatric Research*, women with ADHD are more likely to struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth, particularly when comparing themselves to neurotypical standards. These feelings often stem from years of masking their struggles, leading to a disconnect between their perceived success and their internal experience.
Anxiety and Physical Irritability
Anxiety is a near-constant presence. "My mind never quiets down," she says. "There’s always something to worry about." This mental restlessness often manifests as physical irritability, a feeling of being on edge or uncomfortable in her own skin. The combination of mental and physical unease makes it difficult to relax or feel settled.
Anxiety and ADHD are closely linked, with many women reporting chronic anxiety alongside their ADHD symptoms. Studies published in ADHD in Women - A Guide to Evidence-Based Treatments have found that women with ADHD are more likely to experience anxiety disorders than their male counterparts. The constant mental restlessness often leads to physical irritability, with research suggesting that this anxiety can be worsened by sensory sensitivities common in ADHD.
Thriving in Chaos and Overestimating Capacity
Interestingly, she thrives in chaotic situations. "When things are hectic, I actually find it easier to function," she notes. Whether it’s a crisis or a high-pressure deadline, she often performs better when the world around her is just as noisy as her internal thoughts. However, this strength comes with a downside—an overestimation of her own capacity. "I’m always optimistic about how much I can take on," she says, "and then I burn out when I realise I’ve pushed myself too far."
Studies have shown that many people with ADHD perform better in high-pressure situations. According to Dr. Ned Hallowell, the increased stimulation of a chaotic environment can help ADHD brains focus, as the external chaos mirrors the internal thoughts and provides the necessary adrenaline to concentrate. However, this also leads to overestimating capacity, as women with ADHD frequently take on too much, believing they can handle it, only to face burnout when their energy runs out.

Through this journey of understanding ADHD, it has become clear that what may seem like challenges on the surface are often linked to incredible strengths. Women with ADHD aren’t broken—they simply think and process the world differently. By becoming more aware of these patterns and finding ways to manage them, the potential for growth and empowerment is enormous.
For those facing similar struggles, it’s important to remember that ADHD doesn’t define worth. The feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, or not ‘enough’ are shared by many, but they are not the whole story. Alongside these challenges are profound gifts—creativity, resilience, and the ability to thrive in situations that others might find impossible.
Challenges & Strengths - Whats Next?
What follows is a summary of some of the strengths and challenges faced by neurodiverse women together with some simple strategies to support. All women are different and how they experience the world will undoubtedly differ. This list captures just one perspective of many in a hope that this might trigger some self reflection, might relate and let you know you are not alone and you most certainly are not broken!
Personal Strengths and How to Maximise Them:
The need for deep authenticity
What to do - Embrace your need for real connections. Seek out like-minded people who value honesty and depth. Focus on building quality over quantity in relationships, which can feel more fulfilling and less draining.
Thrives in chaotic situations
What to do - Leverage this strength when life gets busy. When things feel overwhelming, remind yourself that you perform well under pressure. Use those moments to shine, but also remember to take breaks after intense periods to recharge.
Big-picture thinking
What to do - Use your ability to see the big picture to set long-term goals. Break them down into smaller, manageable steps to avoid getting lost in the details. Keep your focus on the overall purpose to help you stay motivated.
Hyperfocus
What to do - Make hyperfocus work for you by setting timers or creating routines to ensure you don’t neglect other responsibilities. Channel your hyperfocus into tasks that truly matter to you, and try to limit distractions that lead to less important areas.
Honesty
What to do - Continue to communicate authentically, but be mindful of how your honesty affects others. Frame your truth with kindness and empathy, especially in sensitive situations. This way, you remain true to yourself while nurturing relationships.
Resilience under stress
What to do - Recognise that you’re good in a crisis, and don’t be afraid to step up when others are overwhelmed. However, try not to rely on stress as a motivator. Build downtime into your routine to prevent unnecessary burnout.
Creative thinking and idea generation
What to do - Capture your ideas in a notebook or app when inspiration strikes. Prioritise which ones excite you the most, and set realistic goals for following through. Celebrate the creative process, but remember you don’t have to act on every idea.
Highly responsible
What to do - Accept that you have a strong sense of responsibility, but be mindful not to take on more than necessary. Create boundaries to ensure you’re only accountable for what’s truly within your control. It’s okay to let go of things that aren’t yours to carry.
Strong self-awareness
What to do - Lean into your self-awareness as a tool for growth. Regularly check in with yourself, reflecting on what’s working and what needs adjusting. Give yourself permission to change course when you need to.
Personal Challenges and How to Manage Them:
Need for solitude
What to do - Honour your need for alone time by scheduling regular breaks to recharge, but also balance it by staying connected with close friends or loved ones who understand you. Make solitude a healthy part of your routine, rather than something that isolates you.
Social anxiety
What to do - Focus on attending social events that feel meaningful or aligned with your interests. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing or having an “exit strategy” for events that become overwhelming. Give yourself permission to decline invitations that drain you.
Procrastination
What to do - Break tasks down into small, manageable chunks, and tackle them one step at a time. Set timers to create urgency or use tools like to-do lists to prioritise. Start with the easiest task to build momentum.
Perfectionism
What to do - Challenge your perfectionism by asking yourself, “Is this good enough?” Set realistic standards and remind yourself that done is better than perfect. Try focusing on progress rather than perfection, celebrating small wins along the way.
Impulsivity
What to do - Before committing to new projects or ideas, give yourself a pause. Implement a “24-hour rule” where you reflect on the decision before acting. This will help you filter out impulsive choices and protect your energy.
Burnout
What to do - Prioritise self-care as non-negotiable. Schedule time for rest, and learn to say no without guilt. Building regular breaks into your routine can prevent you from reaching burnout, so listen to your body and mind when they signal that enough is enough.
Task-switching
What to do - Use timers to stay focused on one task at a time, even if it’s just for 15 minutes. Organise your tasks by priority and work in short, focused bursts. Reward yourself for completing tasks to build motivation for the next.
Low self-esteem
What to do - Practise self-compassion by reminding yourself of your achievements and progress. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who appreciate you for who you are. Set achievable goals to build confidence over time.
Struggles with working memory
What to do - Use tools like sticky notes, planners, or phone reminders to help manage short-term memory issues. Jot down important things as soon as they come to mind, so you don’t have to rely on memory alone.
People-pleasing
What to do - Recognise when you’re overextending yourself for others and pause. Practice saying “no” kindly but firmly when something doesn’t serve your well-being. Slowly work on prioritising your own needs over the expectations of others.
Rejection sensitivity
What to do - Acknowledge your emotional responses and remind yourself that not every criticism is a reflection of your worth. Take time to process feedback before reacting. Journaling can help you work through these feelings and gain perspective.
Risk-taking
What to do - Before making big decisions, reflect on the potential outcomes and what you’re trying to achieve. Creating a pros and cons list can help ground your decisions and reduce the likelihood of acting impulsively. Consider smaller, manageable risks before jumping into larger ones.
Difficulty relaxing
What to do - Set aside time each day to practice mindfulness or relaxation techniques, like deep breathing or meditation. This can help quiet your mind, even for just a few moments. Try activities that allow you to unwind, such as reading or gentle yoga.
Overestimating personal capacity
What to do - Be realistic about how much you can handle. When planning your day or week, leave extra space for rest or unexpected changes. Practice checking in with yourself and adjusting your expectations when necessary.
These suggestions are practical and easy to implement, helping you manage both your strengths and challenges without feeling overwhelmed. By making small, consistent changes, you can increase your awareness and gradually improve how you navigate daily life.
This journey of self-discovery is about more than just managing ADHD; it’s about recognising and embracing the unique qualities that make each woman extraordinary. With the right strategies, these strengths can be harnessed, and the challenges can be navigated.
Women with ADHD are not alone, and they certainly aren’t going mad. They are seen, understood, and more capable than they may realise.
This is their superpower, waiting to be unleashed.
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